What to Say in a Bar or Bat Mitzvah Speech (Parent or Teen)
A parent's bar or bat mitzvah speech speaks directly to the child: what you've watched them become, a quality you see in them, perhaps a link to their Torah portion, and a blessing or wish for the future. Keep it to two to four minutes. The teen's own speech usually explains their portion, what it means to them, and thanks people.
Two different speeches
A bar or bat mitzvah often has two kinds of speech, and they do different jobs:
| Parent's speech | Teen's speech (often called a d'var Torah) | |
|---|---|---|
| Who it's for | Your child, with the community listening | The congregation and guests |
| Main content | Pride, who they're becoming, a wish or blessing | What the Torah portion says and what it means to them |
| Tone | Personal, warm, sometimes emotional | Thoughtful, a bit of humour, their own voice |
| Where | In the service or at the party, depending on the community | Usually in the service |
| Length | 2 to 4 minutes | Varies by community; ask the rabbi or tutor |
Customs vary between communities and congregations. Ask your rabbi or the person preparing your child when and where speeches happen, how long they should be, and whether there are any expectations for content.
The parent's speech
A structure
- Speak to your child by name (10 seconds). Turn to them. "Maya, today you…"
- What you've watched them become (60 seconds). One or two specific moments, not a list of achievements.
- A link to their portion or their project (30 to 45 seconds). If their Torah portion has a theme that fits them, connect it. If not, mention their mitzvah project or the effort they put into preparing.
- What you hope for them (30 seconds). A wish or a blessing, in your family's words.
- Thanks, briefly (20 seconds). The rabbi, tutor, family who travelled. Keep detailed thanks for the party.
That's about three minutes, or 350 to 400 words.
Example: a parent's speech (about 3 minutes)
This is a made-up example. Use your own child, your own portion and your own words.
"Maya, I want to talk to you, not about you, so please look at me and not at your cousins.
When you were nine, you came home from school furious because a new girl in your class had eaten lunch alone for a week. You didn't ask us what to do. You just started sitting with her. Then you got two friends to sit with her. By the end of the month, there was a whole table. You never mentioned it again. We only found out from her mother.
Your portion this morning was about the commandment to welcome the stranger, because the Israelites knew what it was to be strangers. When you told us which portion you'd been given, Dad and I looked at each other and laughed. Of course it was that one. You've been living it since you were nine.
These past months, we've watched you practise every evening, at the kitchen table, in the car, once in the bath. We've watched you get frustrated, and keep going anyway. This morning you stood up there in front of everyone and you were steady.
Our wish for you is simple. Keep noticing who's sitting alone. Keep asking hard questions. And keep being exactly who you are.
Thank you to Rabbi Cohen and to Ms. Levy for preparing Maya so patiently, and to all of you who came so far to be here. Maya, we are so proud of you. Mazel tov."
Lines you can adapt
Opening: "Ethan, thirteen years ago you arrived three weeks early. You've been in a hurry ever since."
On preparing: "We heard your portion through your bedroom door so many times that your little brother can chant half of it."
A wish: "May you always be the kind of person people come to when things are hard."
When a grandparent has died: "Your grandfather taught you the blessings when you were small. He would have been so proud today."
The teen's speech
If you're the one turning thirteen, your speech is usually your own reflection on your Torah portion. A clear shape:
- Summarise your portion in two or three sentences. What happens in it?
- Pick one part that interests or puzzles you. A question, a character, a rule that seems strange.
- Say what you think it means, using what your rabbi or tutor taught you and your own ideas.
- Connect it to your life, or to your mitzvah project.
- Thank people: your parents, your tutor or rabbi, family who travelled, friends.
Example opening, made up for illustration: "My portion is about Jacob wrestling with an angel all night. When I first read it, my question was: why would anyone wrestle an angel? Here's what I figured out."
Your rabbi or tutor will usually guide the content. This page is about delivering it well.
Mistakes to avoid
| Mistake | Why it hurts | Instead |
|---|---|---|
| A long list of achievements | Sounds like a school report | One or two stories that show character |
| Embarrassing baby stories | Your thirteen-year-old will remember | Ask them first, or keep it gentle |
| Talking to the guests instead of the child | Loses the intimacy | Turn and speak to your child directly |
| Thanking every guest by name | Takes too long in the service | Thank groups; detailed thanks at the party |
| Running long | Services and parties have schedules | Rehearse with a timer; cut to fit |
Practising
Read it aloud at least three times, with a timer, in the week before. Emotional lines get easier with repetition. Nerves speed most people up, so mark pauses on your page; see how to slow down when speaking. The speech length calculator tells you roughly how long your draft will take. If you'd like to rehearse with a listening audience, Speaking Coach's "Open a presentation or toast" scene lets you say it out loud and then shows your pace and filler words.
Questions people ask
How long should a parent's bar mitzvah speech be?
Two to four minutes. If both parents speak, aim for about two minutes each, or give one joint speech.
What do parents say at a bar or bat mitzvah?
Speak directly to your child: a story that shows who they are, how proud you are of their preparation, a link to their Torah portion if it fits, and a wish or blessing for their future.
Do both parents give a speech?
Often, either separately or together. Some families have one parent speak in the service and the other at the party. Ask what your community usually does.
How long is the teen's d'var Torah?
It varies by community and congregation. The rabbi or tutor will usually tell your child how long it should be.
Can I use humour in a bar mitzvah speech?
Yes, gentle humour about your child's habits works well. Make sure the speech also has a sincere moment, and keep jokes kind enough that your child will be glad you told them.